Reexamining The Sum Of Our Hopes

I celebrated a birthday recently.  It completely snuck up on me this year.  My parents grew up during the Depression, so birthdays were not significant events in our household. They weren't ignored, but they certainly weren't elevated. So, I’ve never spent much time thinking about my birthdays.

What surprised me as an adult was how much other people seemed to care. Friends would ask what I wanted to do, what I enjoyed doing for fun, and how I planned to celebrate. They treated the day as something special - set apart from all the others. I always found that touching.

So, I started thinking about how I should spend the day. Surely it should involve something extraordinary—an experience beyond the normal routine of life. As the date approached, the pressure quietly built. What would make this birthday special enough?

Then my birthday came and went.  It was fun. I was grateful and happy.  But if I'm honest, it never quite lived up to the hype.  That's not a complaint. It's not as though I expected to spend the day at Disneyland. But I realized I had placed too much hope on a single day. No one day can carry the weight of those expectations.

Lately, I've been thinking about how often we do this in other areas of life.  I recently mediated a case that had been litigated for years. Both sides had built up expectations—not only about their case, but about each other. They had developed narratives, assumptions, and ideals that reality simply could not support.  Because no one could envision losing, much of the mediation was spent discarding myths about the realities of trial.

The case eventually settled, but not before both sides drastically adjusted their vision of what a reasonable outcome looked like. Ultimately, everyone agreed that settlement was the best path forward.

So, how can we keep from placing the sum total of our hopes on something that was never meant to carry them? Here are three ways to approach our cases with a proper balance of both hope and realism:

1.      Accept that any system is imperfect.

Reality testing is often the hardest part of mediation.  Many attorneys carry a somewhat rosy view of what is possible to achieve in trial.  However, every case has its weaknesses, and the best jury will still disagree with itself.  Understanding this reality is not cynicism; it is wisdom.

2.     Step outside the protective bubble.

Confirmation bias can prevent us from seeing our situation clearly.  As you share your case with 1-2 trusted colleagues, give them permission to challenge your assumptions, identify weaknesses, and ask uncomfortable questions. Honest feedback is one of the most valuable reality-testing tools available.

3.     Embrace different forms of success.

Too often we narrowly define success as either total victory or total loss.  Keeping an open mind allows us to recognize opportunities that we might overlook but still be a solid win if it meets the core needs of its participants.

In sum, the best mediations can happen when our confidence is grounded on humility, realism, and a willingness to embrace outcomes that look different from what we first imagined.