The overwhelmed client: how to optimize participation

Recently, my friend told me that she regretted being too overprotective when her sons were very small.  As a GenX parent with a largely unsupervised upbringing, she wished she had loosened the guardrails and allowed her GenZ kids to fail more often when the stakes were low so they could build character and develop wisdom and be more resilient as adults when handling crises.

While resilience is just one aspect of maturity, I have noticed that people who are steady, calm and able to manage their emotions in times of crisis are usually good decision-makers as well.  Emotionally fragile people often freeze up or melt down when called to make hard choices.  This is especially true in the high-stakes arena of mediation, where uncertainty runs high.

In mediation, parties must face their past, work through disagreements and make key decisions about their future.  An inability to handle these tasks can have far-reaching consequences and negatively impact settlement.

So, how can a mediator help the more emotionally friable to successfully engage in mediation?  Here are three approaches that have proven effective in the cases I've mediated.

1. Hear their story; but set a timer. First, I invite participants a chance to tell their story and outline their position; but I also set an internal time limit.  This prevents a typical anxious narrative from escaping outside the scope of mediation and balances the need to vent their emotions with the importance of staying on task to create a clear pathway for resolution.  I ask them what they would like to accomplish in mediation besides settlement.  I want them to focus on the future, not the past.  I explain that my job is to help the parties negotiate the most optimal settlement options so that all parties can make wise business decisions going forward.

2. Provide tasks and structure. After I establish the players and the plan, I give everyone something to do.  Parties usually name their top two or three most important goals and I help them to create a framework for our discussions.  I give clients and attorneys homework while I caucus with the other side so that as they assist me with the facts, they experience buy-in and agency.  Emotions may still run high, but this collaborative game plan grounds our discussions and focuses our attention forward.

3. Lead them back to the plan as many times as it takes. When talks get heated or appear to derail, I lead them back to their agenda.  When asked for my perspective, I assist with evaluation.  But the process cannot be rushed, and the mediation process is not always linear.  The right option advanced at the wrong time is the wrong option.  Attorneys are crucial during this phase as they help their clients see the long and short-term outcomes and provide an anchor in the storm.

In summary, as you help regulate your client’s emotions and direct them towards the end goal, it may sometimes feel like assembling a 12-car feline parade.  But a tiered approach helps track concrete progress so that parties remain focused on the work rather than their unbridled feelings.  By relying on the groundwork you’ve helped construct, you will have given your client the freedom to choose the optimal outcome for them.